Thursday, December 30, 2010

Rent

The next time you ask for space
I will have to give it.

I will also have to charge you. I cannot 'be kind'.

Because prices are cutthroat.

And space,
like you so unforgettably demonstrated,
again and again,
is something that one should fight dirty for.


Look what it cost me after I asked you for some in your life.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Enemy Within

We are all our own enemies.

We feed our own inner demons and insecurities.
We make our own poison and gladly drink it,
smacking our lips,
rejoicing the fact that we are victims.
That yet again, we have someone to blame.

Everyone thirsting,
looking out for the next better, bigger, nicer, tighter, free-er ...

No one is free really.
They never will be.
Because if they were, they would have been free right now.

For the one looking for it,
tomorrow there will be someone else. To blame. To feel pressured. To exit.

When will you rest? When will you just be?
When will let your forehead relax? Your shoulders? Your mouth?
When will you see that you always were free?!

Monday, December 6, 2010

LSD Darling!

A person isn't what they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your relationship - Maria Rilke

Tujhe goli marunga, meri jaan bachaunga ...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

RIP

Aamaar holo shuru ... Aamaar holo shaara ...

I have a beginning ... I have an end now

RIP

this is the end of innocence

RIP

hide n seek

ever played this game? or had it played on you?

you found a really really good hiding place. really really really good.

little scary.

but not unlike the other places you had found earlier.

you crouch. foetal position.

you can hear the countdown ...

5 day

4 day

3 day

2 day

you wait ... bated breath ...

hush ...

now??????

no no ... not yet ...

you strain to listen ...

you can't hear a thing ...

meanwhile its getting darker ...

you start getting slightly worried ...

it can't take so long ...

were you too smart?

nah ... the fun of hiding is in being caught ...

did something happen to your mate?

oh silly me! imagine me playing this game when he needed help!

you venture out ...

everything is silent ...

quiet ...

you call out ... no reply ...

no sign of your mate ...

you search and search and search ...

call again and again ...

leave messages around ...

the echo point is no good ...

call, call ...

you start crying ...

now you are tired ... and lost ...

that's when it sinks in ...

no one is looking for you really ...

he left the game long time back ...

he found it silly ... twisted ...

a toxic waste of time ...

he had said he did not want to play it for too long.

but you had thought he will start to like it too.

the way you did.

you feel stupid ...

you always went looking when he hid ...

maybe he will come ... you hide again ... you don't know where to go to look for him anyway ...

this game has taken a lifetime ... it has taken your life ...

now hide little one ... play smart ...

how foolish it will look!

you hid ... but no one came to find you ...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Shetta - Our Shetty Boy

Shetta this one is for you. All the things I miss. All the things you did that made the roughest time in my life, the smoothest too.

The first morning in Dubai I opened my eyes to see a new friend.
You took me sightseeing in Deira. I chased birds and Astro was there.

Shetta all those old newspapers you used to collect for us. :-) I used to save the Su-Do-Ku.

It took just one SOS call and you gave me a home and a one-man family. Little less conversation, a little more action please always.

Starting from giving up your room, cupboards, drawers, bathroom; sleeping on the sofa with that thin green rug.

Taking care whether I reached or not. Whether I got a cab or not. Whether I was ill. Whether I had pain or not. Whether I am crying. Whether I am stressed. You lavished a wealth of caring.

Snatching utensils from my hand.

Endless trips to supermarkets.
Veggies, sanitary napkins, phone cards, phone cards, phone cards.

Spinney’s DVD stocking up. 2 action for you, 1 ‘arty’ movie for me.
Jason Statham back to back.
In fact, why only Jason Statham, any movie with loads of action, guns that are drawn quick and fired even quicker.
You won’t believe that training is helping me now. :-)
Undercover horror movies. (You cowered even more than the female leads)

Fighting over a 5 day old dish I had cooked. I wanted to throw it, you wanted to eat it.

Taking me for Pani Puri to Karama.

Dropping me to driving school.

Letting me be the haddi between you, Janis and Astro.

Arranging the beers and then saving all the leftover dregs in the bathroom so I can condition my hair.

For giving me great advice and greater courage.

For never ever judging. For putting up with all my judgements and anger that one time.

For being the compulsive cleaner that you are.

For quiet weekends where our kitchen table became our cybercafé.

For the most potent, brain blowing, eyeball-popping, extra strongest, sugariest, milkiest tea on the planet.

For always wishing so much for Anand. Yet for never pushing me.
For being there for both of us.

For calling me ‘Ma’. :-) You were all the children I will probably never have.
At least I heard the word.

For helping me pack and those endless Post Office trips. Backbreaking! Man! How we managed that morning. It was madness.

For telling me how much you miss me. For Janis also telling me how much you do miss me.

A father, a mother, a brother, a friend. I will always remain very happily in your debt. :-)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Be Unforgettable

We spent a year together. Well, almost.

Every day he ferried me to and from work.

Making my first days – actually every day - in a strange new place so very smooth and fun. Going out of his way to pick me up or drop me.

Showing me landmarks, pointing out things I could do.

He never made me feel that he is doing me a favour.
(I don’t think he thinks that still.)

What he does think and never tires of pointing out
is that he is the handsomest chauffeur ever.

Thanks to him, I have a new name. Dhoom2.
(And 'parcel' thanks to Radhi.)

Thanks to him I love Hindi film music now.
Even the whacky ones. (Ay hip-hopper playing in my head now)

So Sam. Here it is.

Thanks for stopping for Hardy’s burger every time I got a craving.

Thanks for letting me use and abuse your booze license.

Thanks for letting me come with you guys for movies.

Thanks for making me feel that I was not alone.

For being a phone call away. For being a shout away. For lunches and binges. For advice. For buying tissues when I did not know that you knew I was in the dumps. For the best khichdi in Dubai. For being the first at my farewell. For demanding a blog post about you. For always being there. For just being.

Unforgettable, that’s what you are. Too.

PS: And thanks to Radhi for always being my friend too. For always letting me sit up front. For all the late night co-ordination. ;-) I think if I had stayed longer you would end up being my best friend.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Metamorphosis

I worry. No one knows what is happening to me.
No one has noticed I am changing.
I read kafka's metamorphosis once. Wrote a paper on it too.
Something along those lines, but my worry is less existential and symbolic.
It's mundane.

Am just worried about things like my hair colour.
I wonder if anyone noticed that its different.

My little friend noticed a mole in my eye the other day.
I was glad. It's new.

I wonder if I should point out
that I am wearing a new eye shadow or perfume.

I worry people will forget that i love to be cuddled to sleep.
More worried that I am too.

I have already forgotten sitting on laps, breakfasts, being called silly names.

I don't think anyone has taken a picture of me in a long time.
Not even on new mobilephones.

I am being lost.
Fading into the background.
Obliterated by dancing figures in the profit sheets,
the din of local train, by alcohol numbness and cigarette haze.

Focus now. Zoom in please.
I am here. Hold me. Don't let me go. In the corner of your eye. Don't blink.
Just behind your back. Turn Around.

A little to your side.
Here I am ... a gaze beyond your deaf stare and a sweet nothing whisper beyond your blank ear.

Part of all the bad things you don't want. Scandals. Guilt. Mistake. Moneylessness. Homelessness.

Part of all the good on your backburner. Your welling love. Your poetry. Your madness. Your passion.

I am worried.
You are losing yourself.
I see from the corner of the eye. The sofa between us growing.

On laziness and sloth

I have not been writing. I don’t know why. But I have resolved to get the better of myself. It’s the old game again. No. :-) Not meeting meeting.  That one I play at work. It’s the other one. It’s Rachanah v/s Rachanah. Well, no one can get the better of me but myself. Bet you are thinking you can. Well of course you can, if ‘I’ let you. :-)

There are so many things I want to write about. Every night between that magical state of half waking and half sleep … when I am happily relinquishing the day, smiling at small jokes, reliving small moments of tenderness, making little notes for the next day, forgiving anger in me and others, and generally cheerleading myself saying ‘you did good girl’ … this is the time when I get most of my blog thoughts. But I have been lazy. I think to myself ‘Man this one is so good … I will never forget this.’ ‘Or this one is so close to my heart, I am bound to get it right.’ I wake up in the morning. I remember I had a great thought but damn if I could remember what it is.

Now I should hardly be uploading this. But I better. As a lesson to myself. At least that will spur me on to ‘write’ something real the next time. Sorry for cheating you though.  If its any consolation, this is real too.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A woman's random thoughts

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But,if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation,

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then . . . . .I regain sobriety..

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like-"You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Monday, March 22, 2010

Did Krishna ever call Radha a 'psycho'?

Or Meera for that matter. Well, he should have. He would have been correct in doing so.


Suzanne

Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.

- Leonard Cohen



I Am Mad

I am mad with love
And no one understands my plight.
Only the wounded
Understand the agonies of the wounded,
When the fire rages in the heart.
Only the jeweller knows the value of the jewel,
Not the one who lets it go.
In pain I wander from door to door,
But could not find a doctor.
Says Mira: Harken, my Master,
Mira's pain will subside
When Shyam comes as the doctor.

- Mirabai



I would die for you. I would die for you. I've been dying just to feel you by my side. To know that you're mine
See your face every place that I walk in. Hear your voice every time I am talking. You will believe in me. And I will never be ignored.
I would burn for you. Feel pain for you. I would twist the knife and bleed my aching heart. And tear it apart
I would lie for you. Beg and steal for you. I would crawl on hands and knees until you to see. You're just like me.
Violate all the love that I'm missing. Throw away all the pain that I'm living. You would believe in me. And I could never be ignored.
- Crush, Romeo and Juliet



Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
Neil Gaiman (English born American Novelist, Journalist, Screenwriter, Children's author and Comics writer of American Gods, amongst many others, b.1960)

WITH THAT MOON LANGUAGE



Admit something:

Everyone you see, you say to them, “Love me.”

Of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise
someone would call the cops.

Still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a
full moon in each eye that is
always saying,

with that sweet moon language,
what every other eye in
this world is
dying to
hear?
Hafiz



A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."



“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.”
Julie de Lespinasse


“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
Swedish proverb



Love and madness not that different?


To be madly in love might be exactly that—madness. The term “lovesick” is surprisingly accurate, claims a cover story in this month’s National Geographic magazine, citing research published over the last several years.

People experiencing romantic love have a chemical profile in their brains similar to that of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder, noted the author, psychologist Lauren Slater.

Research has begun to illuminate where love lies in the brain and the particulars of its chemical components. Key points covered in the article are as follows:
• Love lights up areas of the brain linked to reward and pleasure, the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus. It releases chemical messengers such as dopamine that, in the right proportions, provoke intense energy, focused attention, recklessness and exhilaration.
• Doing novel things together triggers dopamine in the brain, stimulating feelings of attraction. So first encounters that involve a nerve-wracking activity, like riding a roller coaster, are more likely to lead people to pursue a relationship.
• Love also could be as simple as following our noses. Swiss researchers asked women to choose which T-shirts worn by a variety of men smelled the best. They found women preferred the scent of a shirt worn by a man whose genes were most different from their own—genes possibly linked to an immune system that has something theirs does not. In this way a woman may boost her chance of having healthy offspring.
• Love and obsessive-compulsive disorder could have a similar chemical profile: low levels of the brain chemical serotonin. Thus, love and mental illness may be hard to tell apart.
• For those wishing to escape the grip of runaway passion, there is hope: Prozac, the medication that increases the amount of the serotonin available at the junctures between brain cells. Prozac jeopardizes one’s ability to fall in love, and stay in love, by dulling the keen edge of love and its associated libido.
• Studies around the world show that passion usually ends. Biologically speaking, the reason romantic love fades may be found in the way our brains respond to the surge and pulse of dopamine. Perhaps the brain adapts to the excessive amounts, and the neurons become desensitized.
• Anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J., suggests relationships often break up after about four years because that’s how long it takes to raise a child through infancy. Fisher is the author of Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, a 2004 book.
• Oxytocin, a chemical thought to be plentiful in long-term couples with warm, comfortable relationships, is a hormone that promotes feelings of connection and bonding. It is released when we hug our children or our long-term spouses or when a mother nurses her infant. In long-term relationships that never get off the ground, chances are the couple has not found a way to stimulate or sustain oxytocin production.
Fisher has also proposed that human romantic love evolved out of an “attraction system” shared by mammals and birds.

“Mammals and birds express mate preferences and make mate choices,” Fisher and two colleagues wrote in the Oct. 27 issue of the Journal of Comparative Neurology. Data suggest this attraction system is linked to reward-processing brain areas that use dopamine, as in humans, they added.

“We propose that this attraction mechanism evolved to enable individuals to focus their mating energy on specific others, thereby conserving energy and facilitating mate choice.”



Love and Madness

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for
the first time, virtues and vices floated around and were bored, not
knowing what to do. One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered
together and were more bored than ever.
Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea: "Let's play hide and seek!"
All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted: "I want to
count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek
Madness, all the others agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started to
count: "One, two, three..."
As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding. Tenderness hung
itself on the horn of the moon, Treason hid in a pile of garbage. Fondness
curled up between the clouds and Passion went to the centre of the earth.
Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the
lake, whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking.
And Madness continued to count: "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty
one..."
By this time, all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except
Love. For undecided as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this
should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide
Love.
Madness: "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when Madness
got to one hundred, Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness
turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!"
As Madness turned around, Laziness was the first to be found, because
Laziness had no energy to hide.
Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of
the lake and Passion at the centre of the earth.
One by one, Madness found them all - except Love. Madness was getting
desperate, unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness:
"You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."
Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rose bush.
Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop.
Love appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands.
Between his fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes.
Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a
pitchfork. "What have I done! What have I done!" Madness shouted.
"I have left you blind! How can I repair it?"
And Love answered: "You cannot repair my eyes.
But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide."
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always
accompanied by Madness


:-)

You call my love madness.
And look at it with disgust and doubt.

It's the madness I picked up
after you gave it up for lost.

All the madness you don't miss.
Don't enjoy.
The madness I treasure
is the one you forgot.