Metamorphosis

I worry. No one knows what is happening to me.
No one has noticed I am changing.
I read kafka's metamorphosis once. Wrote a paper on it too.
Something along those lines, but my worry is less existential and symbolic.
It's mundane.

Am just worried about things like my hair colour.
I wonder if anyone noticed that its different.

My little friend noticed a mole in my eye the other day.
I was glad. It's new.

I wonder if I should point out
that I am wearing a new eye shadow or perfume.

I worry people will forget that i love to be cuddled to sleep.
More worried that I am too.

I have already forgotten sitting on laps, breakfasts, being called silly names.

I don't think anyone has taken a picture of me in a long time.
Not even on new mobilephones.

I am being lost.
Fading into the background.
Obliterated by dancing figures in the profit sheets,
the din of local train, by alcohol numbness and cigarette haze.

Focus now. Zoom in please.
I am here. Hold me. Don't let me go. In the corner of your eye. Don't blink.
Just behind your back. Turn Around.

A little to your side.
Here I am ... a gaze beyond your deaf stare and a sweet nothing whisper beyond your blank ear.

Part of all the bad things you don't want. Scandals. Guilt. Mistake. Moneylessness. Homelessness.

Part of all the good on your backburner. Your welling love. Your poetry. Your madness. Your passion.

I am worried.
You are losing yourself.
I see from the corner of the eye. The sofa between us growing.

On laziness and sloth

I have not been writing. I don’t know why. But I have resolved to get the better of myself. It’s the old game again. No. :-) Not meeting meeting.  That one I play at work. It’s the other one. It’s Rachanah v/s Rachanah. Well, no one can get the better of me but myself. Bet you are thinking you can. Well of course you can, if ‘I’ let you. :-)

There are so many things I want to write about. Every night between that magical state of half waking and half sleep … when I am happily relinquishing the day, smiling at small jokes, reliving small moments of tenderness, making little notes for the next day, forgiving anger in me and others, and generally cheerleading myself saying ‘you did good girl’ … this is the time when I get most of my blog thoughts. But I have been lazy. I think to myself ‘Man this one is so good … I will never forget this.’ ‘Or this one is so close to my heart, I am bound to get it right.’ I wake up in the morning. I remember I had a great thought but damn if I could remember what it is.

Now I should hardly be uploading this. But I better. As a lesson to myself. At least that will spur me on to ‘write’ something real the next time. Sorry for cheating you though.  If its any consolation, this is real too.